Those Dark Thoughts You Had While High On Meth Were NOT Your Thoughts


I sat, quietly observing a Crystal Meth Anonymous meeting in West Hollywood that had an unusually large number of newcomers. Many of them, though terrified, were bursting to share their experience. One newcomer — a gay male in his late forties — was speaking, when he paused, let the silence flood the room with anticipation, then blurt out:

“You all know what I mean! After we’ve slammed several times and it’s been a few days without sleep, we get real dark and sick, right? I mean, children, sometimes animals, can even get all crazy into Satan and that shit! But I have never fantasized about necrophilia.”

And there was another pregnant pause of silence, before he half-whispered, “Yet.”

The room was struck, dumbfounded. Not because of the audacity of this man’s claim, because of the normality of it. Our great shame had just been shit, sulfurous and dark, right in the middle of the room for us all to witness.

I can honestly say, I’d never heard anyone announce that at a meeting before — nor since. Of course, not everyone goes that dark while high on meth. But many do, eventually. At least, that’s my anecdotal observation.

Meth makes the mind go dark. My mind. Your mind. Everyone’s mind. True, some minds go far darker than others. But most of us, especially we who slammed, have experienced what it feels like to go horrifyingly dark with our thoughts and desires. Sure, maybe we haven’t hit that magic trifecta of pedophilia, bestiality, and necrophilia — like our all-too-honest newcomer — but most of us have, while high, gone to some dangerously dark places in our imaginations.

So, here’s my point. Two things to keep in mind.

The first point is: Those detailed and evil fantasies you imagined when high were NOT the product of your mind. Those dark thoughts were the product of a mind hijacked by meth.

Stop the shame. Meth did not awaken some nascent monster in you that now cannot be contained. Rather,  meth hijacked your mind and ran amok with the nastiest shit it could imagine. That’s just what meth does.

Many of us went dark from time to time while high, especially when combined with sex. So the second point is: It’s the meth that’s evil, not you.

Please, don’t let shame of any past dark thoughts eat at you until you must, surprise, escape the psychic pain by using. Shame has triggered innumerable relapses. Don’t take psychological responsibility for such meth-fueled darkness. It’s meth, not you.

Shame may be recovery’s most toxic emotion.

The longer I am clean, the more certain I am about meth’s evilness. We users are, in a manner, inhabited by a demon from hell and she goes by the name of Tina — or once did. She’s Ice these days, I’m told.

Face your shame and reframe it. It’s meth, not you. By the way, this has the advantage of not only being true, but it turns darkness into light.

The evil? That’s meth. Not me. Not you. Meth.

Peace, my brothers and sisters, — Joseph

About the Big Craving: a Favorite Trick That Always Worked For Me

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How to Kill a Craving

  2 of series of 3 posts on cravings The good news first: that intense, physical craving will generally last only 30-90 seconds unless you start moving toward drug use. If you can wait it out, or counteract the craving, it will pass soon enough. Say, you are triggered and then have a pleasurable thought—what’s … Continue reading How to Kill a Craving

Stopping a Thought Before It Becomes a Craving: The Basics

1 of series of 3 posts on cravings Time for a few posts on the basics. Some practical, useful information that you may already know, but is always good to be reminded. So, here goes… To begin with, the process usually works like this: Trigger – Thought – Craving – Using. Let’s break this down for … Continue reading Stopping a Thought Before It Becomes a Craving: The Basics

Hi Joseph. What is happening to me?

With traffic averaging over 20,000 visitors a month, I get serious email. The rawness and brutal honesty of my readers never ceases to amaze me. Here’s a few I found interesting. I didn’t have to dig deep. From the month of December 2016… 12/2/16 Hi Joseph, My name is Marianne and I’m sort of a meth junkie. Once a … Continue reading Hi Joseph. What is happening to me?

Next time you’re feeling negative about your addiction, consider this…

Culled from Quitting Crystal Meth‘s Facebook page and other sources, below are some of my favorite videos and feature articles. First, My Fav Vids to Watch… Satan Explains Addiction South Park, Satan and Addiction — need I say more?   Davey Wavey Followed a Recovering Meth Addict on the AIDS Ride and Finished Strong Luke is a recovering … Continue reading Next time you’re feeling negative about your addiction, consider this…

My Message for the New Year

The following was adapted from a post originally published in 2014 and still rings true today… The media is filled with stories about the tragedy of meth addiction and paints a pretty grim picture for the recovering meth addict—the odds aren’t good, the road seems rarely traveled successfully. From our perspective: what a load of media … Continue reading My Message for the New Year

What About Using Marijuana To Help You Quit Meth?

Special Note: I know this post is viewed as controversial, especially by many in the recovery community who believe abstinence from all substances is the only way to successfully quit meth. (I’m already getting pushback.) Like it or not, the fact is marijuana is used “medicinally” as well as recreationally. Here, I direct you to those thousands of alcoholics/addicts who, following their M.D.’s direction, have treated Parkinson’s, cancer, … Continue reading What About Using Marijuana To Help You Quit Meth?

You Gotta Do It: Changing Those Old Patterns and Routines

We hear it all the time in recovery: You only have to change one thing, everything. Of course, that’s an exaggeration to make a point. And that is: You can’t keep doing the things you did while high, and expect to remain clean and sober. To get clean you have to start changing the people, places … Continue reading You Gotta Do It: Changing Those Old Patterns and Routines

Living the Full & Free Life After Crystal Meth & Addiction