An Open Letter to Crystal Meth (guest post)

 

Well, after all these years, the ups and downs, the highs and lows, the ins and outs, finally it’s all come down to this moment. Am I such a fool to think that I can actually end this relationship we share, somehow find my way back home without that endless string being somewhere attached to my body, to my soul, just waiting to tug on me in some future that soon enough becomes the past, all the while nothing has really changed.

Even when I’m away from you, I can feel you close, closer yet still, waiting for me to seek your never-ending embrace, of warmth, of mindless sense of purpose, of circular cascading thought, of peaceful chaos within. Do now I see the truth of what you really mean to me, or am I only trapped in a lie among lies, a story within stories, where the next chapter is never the last chapter, and the hero never comes home.

I have to end this relationship. I can’t go on living the lie, a lie that exists both while clean and while using. A lie that allows me to believe I can walk away, only to find myself back again soon enough. A lie that I can manage this, even though I feel like shit, my priorities are totally fucked, and I ignore and avoid my family and friends. I know you don’t make me feel good. I know that staying up all night focused on endless mindless shit that isn’t real, isn’t any good for me either.

Why do I see you as a companion, a treat, a source of warmth, peace, serenity, focus, purpose, when the reality for each of those words you are in fact the opposite or a path that leads away from where I know I want and need to be, not toward it. How long will I cheat on myself with you, letting you take my days and nights, my weeks, into nowhere and nothingness, letting you rob me of my hobbies, my natural interests, my on balance view of sexuality, my physical ability to enjoy it.

How long can I let you convince me that the emptiness I feel with you is actually happiness, that the void in fact is contentment, that the purpose is in fact without meaning of any nature I can comprehend. Am I such a fool to believe that I can actually walk away forever? Is there such a thing as forever with you, or apart from you? The seemingly endless banter and needless chatter that run together forming something perhaps only you can understand. That racket, this noise in my head, the pounding, the feeling alone when I’m with you, alive when I’m dying, awake when there’s nothing left of me.

Can I really walk away, or am I doomed to repeat the story, a story that’s been told so many times by so many souls over so many years, but it never seems to get old, old enough for them to wake up, for them to take notice, that the grand lie you so elegantly and faithfully execute exists nowhere outside of their self-inflicted minds. That the hallways lead nowhere, the sun isn’t really shining outside, the feelings, the pacification, the show you put on for those around you, the stunning sense of how you must appear to them, almost as if you are outside of yourself, removed from soul, alone in the shadows of a former sense of self.

I can’t permit you to make be believe that one more will ever be enough. That keeping the run alive is actually living. That I’m anywhere near as alone as I feel. That turning towards you leads to pleasure when in fact it only leads to pain. That I can hold it together with you when in fact I’m falling apart. Why must I be forced to admit that freedom from you is finite, just as life with you has become.

Somewhere, sometime, somehow, I will have to stand up to you, be forced to betray myself against you. For I know that the only real strength I have, I have when I’m not with you. That the further I dare stray from your gingerly grip, the easier it becomes to forget you. Then why do I return to the warmth of my torturous existence with you, over and over again, like a horror movie that endlessly loops, luring you in while appearing amenable, only to terrify you over and over again.

Today is the day, when my twisted relationship with you must come to a close. I have no choice as I simply cannot find, pursue, and become my destiny, exercise my true purpose, achieve my true greatness, while I permit myself to even consider you a valuable crutch, a worthwhile treat, a much needed escape. I can no longer allow myself to cheat on myself with something/someone that I know deep inside only exists within me. This inner struggle has no end, and yet I hardly recall the beginning.

The realization that you are part of me and yet I must remove you from myself, feels like I could be self-amputating a limb, killing my best friend, killing some part of myself forever. When in fact I know deep in side that the truth, the lie, the comprehension of your existence within me, only can exist because I allow it, only because I choose to say yes, to a lie you once told me, that I never stopped believing, and now I must forget, if I’m ever to rediscover my true and genuine identify, purpose, place in this world, conscious, alive, awake, at peace, eternal.

(written by and anonymous guest who submitted it to the site)

  • sue

    I read this with tears in my eyes, as I have never been able to relate to my personal struggles with addiction more then this story. It is the painfull truth. I have been in recovery from meth addiction for 4 months, and unfortunately relapsed today. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think of meth, or crave it, whether I am off it or on it. It doesn’t matter how fantastic I feel when I am in recovery. It is embedded so deeply in my subconscience that it just always has a hold of me. I hope and wish that anyone who is struggling with this addiction will find their way out of it and never look back

    • Julie

      I am 1 month clean. I fight myself daily to remain so. I think about it every single day. I am afraid of myself that in my weak moments I will just say “fuck it”, and fail. I want so badly to live my life without having to drag this horrible foul monster around with me. But I feel its greed to have me, poses me like a jealous lover. I have been strong willed my entire life. But this drug has a hold on me and doesn’t want to let me go. I am terrified daily I am going to fail. Ive all ready given 16 years of myself to this drug. I’m scared. I dont know if I know how to believe in myself any more……. Please God help me continue to find the strength.

      • Mary

        The face that you are a whole month clean after 16 years battling this difficult drug is amazing. Remember that. I don’t know who you are, or your life story, but I think that this feat you have accomplished, and you for doing it, are amazing.

      • Julie, Mary speaks the truth. A month is amazing. Keep going. Even if you slip (and I hope you don’t), you quit again. Think of it this way: in the last month you’ve NOT used at all. If you can quit for a month, why not three? And then why not six? It’s not easy, but so many of us have done it when we, too, believed it to be impossible at first. But it is possible. The fact that you got a month means you don’t have to live under meth’s fist forever. Take it one day at a time (like we have a choice in the matter) and keep doing whatever it is you are doing. If NA or CMA or AA meetings help, do them. If they’re not you’re thing, seek out other venues where you can find fellow addicts who are quitting. It helps to remember you are not alone. You will learn how to believe in yourself again, especially the longer you stay clean. You CAN come back from this awful drug. Thousands have, why not you? Right?

  • Wife

    Thank u for sharing this. This helps me better understand my husband’s journey to recovery. It’s exactly how he describes his infatuation towards meth..almost as if it is his psychotic ex-girlfriend who he can’t just shake off and keeps luring enticing him to go back to her.

    Thanks again.

  • Kelvin Leeds

    alive when I’m dying, awake when there’s nothing left of me.

  • Kelvin

    “alive when I’m dying, awake when there’s nothing left of me.”

    Amen to that.

  • kt.

    Thank you for these words. Life is so worthy without meth. I want to KNOW I’ll never do it again. One Lil’ bender and everything comes crashing down. But one lil bender turns into two months easily.

    I understand so well. I wonder if ppl outside of meth would consider it redundant? Thank You, Joseph. I recently hoped I’d get another email. It kinda felt like ya mighta wrapped up. Glad ya bopped in. I’m sober a month, I think? I’m not one to count the days. It doesn’t take life long to turn around, but I seem to always be starting from scratch. Happy to be with Me. I love Me. Happy to be a part of my family again. With my friends. Still leveling out that head. Mood swings… Low energy… Super happy…to Super tired and bitchy. In a snap. A long way to go. Holy Christ it takes a long time to mentally recover. If ever? Everyday is better than the next. Even when it’s not.

    Shout out to all other Mind Warrior Champs. We ARE undeniably STRENGTH.

    Thanks for the emails. And the site.

  • Husband

    This is about as clear as I have ever read about meth use.
    I myself had an extreme meth addiction over 20 years ago. I was in the addiction for about 10 years. When I look back to the misery I put my family and myself through I am so thankful to that I don’t use meth today. But meth still haunts my life. (Read further to how it still haunts my life) I do understand what meth does to a person who gets caught in its grips. Anyone who says you need to use it responsibly is only lying to themselves and to others. It’s only a matter of time like it was for me that it will catch up to you and then it owns you. TRUST ME on this from my own experience. I went from dabbling with a 1/4 on the weekends for fun until later the weekends went too long and had to function at work. Then it went to an 8 ball a week and then to anywhere around $500 to $1000 a week habit. i wasn’t into ripping people off or steeling for my habit, I was what you call a functional addict. If there is really a term form that. I had a great paying job and I needed that job to support not only my family but my habit as well. After several years of that it didn’t work out very well. I did go to an impatient rehab and got clean for about a year, during that time my wife and I got divorced because of her infidelity and my drug use. We fought endlessly over child custody and no one ever won. My daughters lost out the most because of their dis functional parents. I went to NA meetings and did what I could to keep clean. I met my present wife in NA and within a few months of being together guess what we were doing, yep, back into meth again. This time is was even worse. I would try to stop and then deal with the depression meth leaves you with when you try to quit. I ended up on 2 occasions trying to commit suicide by using a shot gun. Obviously I didn’t succeed because I’m able to write about this. My present wife also had multiple problems with the drug as well. After being put in jail after a fight my wife and I had, when I took out my shot gun and discharged 4 rounds into my ceiling, not at my wife, I would never think of killing her or anyone else for that matter. We finally decided to make a drastic change. We went to church and remained in church since then. The Lord changed our hearts. I’m not saying this by no means to preach, just what it took in our life to change. Now in the present days things aren’t so great. My wife went back out and started using meth again. Probably started about 5 years ago. Being a meth addict I should have known sooner but I didn’t figure out how well she hid it until about 2 years ago when things became suspicious. Money was being spent very quickly, behavior was sporadic. Found out through her face book she has been cheating on me with someone we both know and the story goes on and on. She says she has been clean for 2 weeks now, we will see how it goes. We are still together with many unresolved issues, not too sure if our marriage will work out if she continues with the meth use. It an uphill battle right now. I have been able to deal with living with a meth addict for a while, but the cheating with other men just doesn’t cut it. A person can only take so much hatred and dis pear in their life before they need to make changes.