It’s an Inescapable Fact: at Some Point . . .


A friend a mine doesn’t understand why he can’t stop using. He’s in his mid-fifties, lives in West Hollywood and like many of us gay men — like many straight men and women, for that matter — we mixed our meth with some serious sexploits. The sex/meth connection makes giving up meth harder for anyone, regardless of sexual orientation.

He struggles. And, as I’ve written elsewhere, I believe with most gay men and all other “sex tweakers,” that until you are completely okay — and I mean truly, really, okay — with the fact that you never get to have meth sex again, you will continue to relapse — over sex, of course. Once you’re truly okay with letting go of meth sex, letting it go completely, then your odds for successfully quitting are much higher.

But that’s not the point I want to make now. (It’s just too important to leave out.) My point is that I always say the same thing to my friend while he goes through withdrawal. I know he’s sick of hearing me say it, but I believe it to be true.

So, I remind my friend how it is a fact that, at one point, this most recent relapse becomes your last time. It may be your last time to use because your heart explodes or you stroke out and die. Or because you go to prison. But it may also be your last time because it’s the last time before you quit.

That there is a LAST TIME cannot be doubted. It’s just a fact. You will experience a last time at one point. It’s inescapable. So why not this time?

Why not let this relapse be the last time?

My friend sighs at the words he’s heard me say many times before. “Why are you so positive?” he asked.

Because there is a last time. That’s a fact. And, well, you know the rest…


  • zabelisa

    Sex meth LOL, how boring and immature can one be.If only those people could see themselves in a video . As if sex (with strangers) is that great or important. It only seems to appeal to people who live with a lot of shame because the meth gets rid of it. I find being close and snuggling way more satisfying – tried meth sex ,didn’t think much of it. Can’t people grow up at some point and stop trying to prove something that no one cares about. If it is the only way someone can get their self-esteem, it is extremely pathetic. Not to mention all the damage many end up causing to their nervous system. BTW my boyfriend ended up killing himself, he could not get over his meth relapse… Needless to say, it made a big mess of his life.

    • Wayne Biggs

      Sorry to hear about your boyfriend. As for addiction, unfortunately, it’s just not as easy as growing up at some point. Alcoholics and addicts really wish it were.

      • zabelisa

        “Growing up” means being more responsible and using your brain for other things then pleasure or to avoid pain. By that, I mean being mindful, not being so selfish are part of it. We all are addicts in some ways, but some addictions are more destructive. Being an addict is what drives your dopamine. That seeking behavior of anticipation of something supposedly great… then later it become to avoid discomfort, pain, boredom and unpleasantness. Eventually, it can become a bad habit.. I never said it was easy to grow up, I am not perfect and don’t care to be either. I myself do live in excess ways occasionally. But I try to be mindful of my health and others around me. No one is perfect and it is not required, just to try to be the best that you can be as often as possible. Relapses are inevitable why make them so evil as they do in AA. It takes a lot courage and energy to grow up (making use of the frontal cortex and higher cognitive functions), but sadly the system is very lame at helping people in need of those services. Good luck with your journey Wayne.

        • I think the resistance you’ll get to “grow up” when it comes to addiction is because it can feel like you’re kind of shaming the person (grow up, be a man, etc.), but I know you don’t mean that at all. I really do think that, at one point, we have “enough.” Maybe that’s when we grow up? Who knows. But I like everything you wrote in the response to Wayne above. By your definition of “growing up” I’m in agreement, at least for myself. But, I had to get clean and get meth out of my system before I could really make informed choices about my life (or anything LOL). Thank you both, Zabelisa and Wayne, for joining the conversation. It’s much richer with all our voices. Peace, Joseph

    • Hey Z, I’m saddened to hear about your boyfriend. I wish I could say I’m surprised, but after all these years working with “meth use disorder” (I think that’s the currently accepted phrase), after all these years, I’m hardly ever surprised anymore. It’s up to you to honor his life by NOT letting meth win with you. I’m grateful for your voice, here, and am always interested in what you have to say. I learn more from my readers than you know. 🙂