Last year, at a convention of recovering addicts, I heard a speaker expound upon that “voice” of our disease that chatters in our heads. Here’s my paraphrase of what he said:
It’s common for us to speak of our addiction/disease as a living entity outside and separate from us. “My disease is doing pushups outside in the parking lot, while I’m praying inside at the meeting.” Or, my personal favorite: “My disease is telling me, ‘Hey, you’ve been sober for six months now and, obviously, have this meth stuff under control, so why not celebrate for a weekend. Let’s get the party on.’” You know what I mean. We often talk of our disease as being alive and cunning, just waiting for us let our guards down, so it can pounce.
It is good, I believe, to think of the disease of addiction as a separate entity that’s very much against our recovery and personal well being. For me, it’s so important to remember my disease wants to kill me, period. But here’s the tricky thing about that disease that lives “separate” from us: it not only speaks to me through my mind…
It speaks to me in my own voice.
This is crucial to recognize. My disease doesn’t have some evil, Darth Vader accent so I can clearly and immediately identify it. When it whispers or yells it’s commands, it sounds just like me! It’s my own voice. That’s why I can so often be mislead by it.
As the speaker last weekend said, “The call is coming from within the house.” Funny—and very important to remember.